We all have that defining moment. The one that trials and tests us.
The one that brings us to our knees and shapeshifts the essence of our entire being.
"No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of change.
You just come out the other side. Or you don't."
- Stephen King
"It takes a certain kind of brave to stand your ground as the demons surround you in the darkest of moments. There is a warrior in all of us, waiting for that opportunity."
On the morning of August 5th, 2014, I had my defining moment.
I woke up and just could not handle the life I was waking up to.
I could not handle waking up and getting out of bed, but I did it.
I could not handle getting ready for work, but I did it.
I could not handle putting on my uniform and putting effort into my appearance, but I did it.
As simple and small as these things seem, they were all a big deal for me — monsters tugging at my soul.
I pushed myself through these 'unbearable' tasks, but when it came to walking out that door…
I couldn't do it.
I did not do it.
I receded, closed the door and sat in my apartment while my brain became flooded with thoughts.
I felt helpless in my own skin. I couldn't think. I felt like I was drowning. It was overwhelming.
I had never felt this before. I had never not gone to work without calling in.
It was a shock to my robotic, good-girl system and the final chip to my armor.
This day was my eye opener.
The part I haven't told you yet is that for months I had been battling depression and had been trying to work through my issues (a relationship gone sour, a living situation gone bad, and a job going nowhere).
I became consistently overcritical of myself. I worried too much. My mind was constantly filled with paranoid thoughts about my relationship which, in turn, caused me to have massive bouts of anxiety on a daily basis.
I was living in a basement apartment and losing considerable amounts sleep due to (the most ignorant) neighbours upstairs. They would blast music at all hours of the night regardless of what day in the week it was. This went on for months because I also had the most ignorant landlord I have ever had.
I did not want to go to work because I no longer took pride in my work. I no longer loved what I did and all together lost my passion for design completely.
All these things took their toll on me one by one.
The stress from these events caused my weight to drop from 135lbs down to 90lbs. Sleeping well became a foreign concept as I could not sleep without feeling the pain of my bones against my skin.
"At this point, I had become devoid of all the colours that once decorated my soul. I no longer recognized the person staring back at me in the mirror. I had become a stranger in my own skin."
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